There is nothing quite as mortifying as being caught unawares and put in a situation that could well have been avoided with even a pittance of planning and foresight. Here we find a splendid array of fashionable luxury goods designed to prevent ever such an unfortunate occasion. This carefully curated supply of Hazlewood’s finest wares has been conceived specifically to address the most common woes and missteps of the ill-prepared. Absent here are the false delights and clinging miseries of lesser goods. Here instead one will only find the true companions of the noble.
BLACK SILK
MUSTACHE WAX & TOUPEE CEMENT
Every gentleman of quality requires to maintain strict authority over every hair on their person or the unfailing compliance in the clever disguising of the lack there of. As such, Hazlewood’s Finest Quality Black Silk Mustache Wax & Toupee Cement is the only choice for those who will tolerate nothing less than absolute rigid perfection. With Black Silk, our word is our bond, which is also as strong as the bond of the hair to your flesh with Hazlewood’s Black Silk!
HAZELWOOD’S
RADIUM EXTRACT
HEALING TONIC
GUARANTEED TO CURE:
Sore Throat
Lameness
Impotence
Wounds
Piles
Chilblains
Sore Eyes
General Malaise
Hoarseness
Frost Bites
Burns
Bruises
Sore Feet
Face Ache
The Vapors
Dysentery
Bad Humors
Leprosy
Hemorrhoids
Fatigue
HAZELWOOD’S
AMNESIA TONIC
“For Handkerchiefs”
In the fast pace of today’s modern world it is all too often that one gets swept up in the heat of the moment. This can lead to rash behavior or poor life decisions made in haste, and one may find themselves in a situation they wish to quickly forget, or perhaps even worse, in a situation in which they desperately need another party to forget whatever events that may have transpired. Fear not! Hazlewood’s Amnesia Tonic is specially formulated to unburden any mind of unpleasant memories, protecting consciouses and reputations world-wide. Easily applied via handkerchief Hazlewood’s Amnesia Tonic is the cure all for all missteps!
HAZLEWOOD’S PREMIUM
DANDY RIPPER
“A Gentlemans Offense”
Discreet and fashionable, Hazlewood’s Premium Face Ripper is the perfect Gentleman’s accessory for a night at the opera, or to quickly dispatch of a roving band of filthy street urchins.
HAZLEWOOD’S GENUINE
MAGNETIC CAP
“A Boon For All Brain Workers!”
For Nervous Headaches, Impaired Eyesight, Railway Passengers, Editors, Lawyers, Professors, Authors, Merchants, Book-keepers, Business Men, Business Ladies, Architects, Active Salesmen, and all Brain Workers, in Every Capacity of Life, will find, upon trial, that Hazlewood’s Genuine Magnetic Anti-Headache Cap is a Brain-food unequalled in the known world. It furnishes and supplies Natures demands, viz., magnetism which moves the blood in our veins, the muscles and the nerves of our bodies. They never produce shocks or sores like ‘Electric’ devices, but always soothe, strengthen, and invigorate. Guaranteed magnetism!
SAPS & BLACKJACKS
FOR PURCHASE
1. The Soiled Pantaloon
2. The Dizzy Dandy
3. The Cleft Palette
4. The School Marm’s Master
5. Bloody Thunder
6. The Twisted Mister
7. The Pinkerton
8. Pride & Prejudice
9. The Grizzly Inch
10. Slip Jack Jr.
HAZLEWOOD’S
HOME DENTISTRY KIT
“For Happier Smiles”
Bid adieu to the mortal sting of toothaches and grotesquely maligned teeth and never again suffer the humiliation of being made mock of for a grin of sickening blackened rot. Hazlewood’s Home Dentistry Kit makes short work of that menagerie of oral horrors and swings wide the gate to happier smiles.
DR. CHURCH’S SPECIAL
COCKSTOPPER GREASE
Nothing brings things to a grinding halt faster, whether in business or pleasure, than a stopped cock when one should be able to move hither and thither with ease. Dr. Church, the genius who brought you his miraculous Electric Rectorotor, presents his Special Cockstopper Grease. Results guaranteed! Also serves as a handy solvent when used to release the bonding powers of Hazlewood’s Black Silk Mustache Wax & Toupee Cement. Double plus!