A LADY’S POLITE GUIDE TO THE THWARTING OF UNDESIRABLES

A Lady Politely Deters a Lust Crazed Pervert

As fashion demands that the Lady of Quality wear ever more revealing garments exposing trace glimpses of womanly flesh and layer upon layer of lingerie-esque petticoats, pantaloons, and woolen leggings, even the most dignified Gentleman can be driven into erotic madness. As a result, our formerly-pleasant cobbled boulevards are teaming with lascivious scoundrels overwhelmed by lust looking to prey upon these elegant creatures.

Alas, not even the brightest and most modern street lanterns can cut through the din of night and cloying black clouds of soot that descend upon our city each at sun-down to reveal the debauched trolls lurking in the alleyways.

Thus it is necessary that every Lady shall have the tools she needs to protect herself from these savage beasts.

Ladies beware! If a Gent comes forward and utters any of the following, please be obliged to act in accordance to these guidelines:

“Might I send my majordomo to your estate to proffer an invitation to dinner?” 

Unsheathe your Bosom-dirk and stab the Gentleman forthright in the face.

— • —

“I should be satisfied to be murdered in my sleep by a filthy Magnoloid tomorrow, would that my death could be preceded by just one kiss of your dewy, rose-colored lips.” 

Advance towards him amorously and in an act of Surprise, pull down his stove-pip’d hat to his mustache while raising a knee upwards to his go-nads.

— • —

“It is my heart’s desire that I should one day be permitted to see the skin of your wrist portrayed in a painting.” 

Swiftly remove a whale’s bone from your corset and run the scoundrel through the heart with your makeshift rapier.

— • —

“It would be my honor to nod appreciatively at your beauty one fortnight hence.” 

Quickly dip your hat pin into the sewage of the gutter and gouge at his flesh with the poisoned shiv.

— • —

“I wish to retire to the parlor and demonstrate a dance step known in Spain as El Sanchez Sucios.” 

No Lady can resist El Sanchez Sucios. Succumb to your base desires, and tell no-one of your Indiscretion.

HOW TO REVIVE A DRUNKARD

Upon Occasion, Incredible Patience Is Required

When an amateur imbibes too much or a professional has achieved an unprecedented level of perfection, and they have in a most undignified fashion retired to the floor and taken to slumber, it may be required to revive these weaker souls forcibly to return them to the important duty of attending the party at hand. 

First, turn them on whichever side best conceals any unfortunate momentary lapse of control of bodily function and be sure that their head is resting upon their outstretched arm as to ensure that if they do proceed to vomit, which is likely, that it flows away from their finest tuxedo or evening gown. This pose also creates the illusion of a relaxed atmosphere which can help to dispel any panic or confusion as the party continues around our fallen compatriot. 

Next, a few discreet, forceful, but not overly so, and never to the face or groin, kicks can often be a very effective method to rouse the unfortunate soul. Depending on the social stature and honor in good standing of said party goer, this may also be an opportune moment to exact some level of physickal revenge while providing for onlookers the pretense of dutiful concerned citizenship. Should the fallen require a more vigorous level of revival, it may be advised to gather a small group of more sober party goers to form a well-dressed human partition in front of the scene as to not offend more delicate souls by the sight of the violence required to stir the deviant guest back to consciousness. 

In the event that the well-placed kicks fail to achieve the desired result, it may be required to administer a healthy dose of an invigorating herbal tonic, or even a bit of what the lower people call, “the hair of the dog.” To maintain one’s own dignity, and to avoid being seen lowering oneself to the level of disgrace of our agent in need, it is advised to employ the use of a bottle affixed with a long rubber hose at its base to drain its contents straight into the throat of the patient. 

Should all of these methods fail and the fallen continue to insist upon sustaining their moment of repose, it is up to the discretion of the host as to wether they choose to roll their guest up into a rug and dispose of them promptly, or place a lampshade upon their head and allow them to assume the title of, “The Champion of Society.”

HOW TO TRAVEL THROUGH TIME

It is true! Hazlewood has at long last has perfected the elusive dark art of Time Travel. As it happens this marvel of modern science is entirely attainable at home through careful preparation, deep concentration, and dutifully following these simple steps.

1. Dress warmly in your best formal wear and find a comfortable chair in your library or parlor.

2. Consume generous quantities of Hazlewood’s Amnesia Tonic and Hazlewood’s Radium Extract. (At least three bottles of each depending on how far you wish to travel in time. More is further.)

3. Carefully plug in and securely fasten Hazlewood’s proprietary Electrified Time Traveler’s Skull Cap.

4. Stare deeply into Hazlewood’s Automated Hypnotizing Eye and count backwards from ten to one.

5. Prepare to re-write history in your heavenly image.

HOW TO REGAIN STATUS AFTER A HUMILIATING DEFEAT

A Previously Defeated Duelist Becomes Social Magnate

For the Gentleman who has suffered a humiliating defeat in a duel of pistolas and, as a side-effect, an eyeball and social stature, one way to regain his position and the favor of the more discerning Ladies is to fill the vacant socket with ampules of spirit-lifting medickal tonics and powders. A tight-fitting leather eye-patch can be a dignified accessory as well as a metaphorical wink to those-in-the-know that behind this curtain of horrors is stuffed a vast collection of exquisite pleasures.

HOW TO TAME A MAGNOLOID*

A Common Sense Solution

When in the midst of a social gathering that is interrupted by the surprise visit of a shiftless Magnoloid, quickly pull the dagger from your boot or waist-coat and use it as a butcher uses a hook to forcibly remove the creature from the premises. Once accomplished, toss the blade into the bay for it has been forever tainted, and return to the Soirée with the hearty satisfaction of a job well done!

*A Magnoloid is a resident of Magnolia

WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS LOVE?

A Young Couple Confused By Passion and Relieved of Inhibition

Love—the mysterious force that has tormented and beguiled humanity since the dawn of time, written about and pined for since the collective and individual discoveries of private unmentionable anatomies, the forbidden fruit of polite society, the salacious vice of both rich and poor alike—love continues to confuse, entice, titillate, inspire, destroy, evade, consume and confound us all. So what in the world is love exactly? As purveyors of spirits, culture, and high society, we at Hazlewood have in many ways become Ballard’s resident authorities on the subject, and offer thus our conclusion on the matter. After dozens of years in service and thousands of cocktails served we have been privy to some of our clientele’s most profound ponderings, and as such here below reads a much abbreviated collection of said inquiries.

Is love the hot surging feeling brought on by spirits and the fleeting glimpse of flashed ankles and petticoats? Is it the sweaty indiscretion of back-alley liaisons? Is it the drunken confessions of unrealized potential? Is it the vagrant singing to his long dead mother? Is it bloody smiles and savage vengeance? Is it conniving and double edged? Is it sublime and euphoric? Is it sweet nothings and butterflies? Is it agonizing and designed to drive one to the brink of insanity? Is it the wrecking ball that topples the arranged marriages of logic and convenience? Is it the dagger of truth? Is it the healer of all wounds or the creator of said wounds? Is it a passing exchange or an eternal connection? Is it the throbbing impulse to destroy or the sickening nostalgia of youth? Is it the poetic soaring of the heart or the depraved nature of our animalistic selves presenting itself as noble while driving us to indulge in our most indecent carnal desires?

After decades of research, and having born witness to the countless lost souls in search of the elusive feeling described as “love” who have asked these very questions and more, we here at the Hazlewood Ministry of Knowledge have determined that yes, it is. Very much indeed. 

HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A RELUCTANT SUBJECT

Physickal Restraint Is Highly Effective

If one should find themselves in the company of those who oppose popular thinking, the findings of medickal science, and willfully disregard the evidence of the power of hypnosis in the curing of physickal ailments and the expulsion of bad humors, as an advocate of reason and progressive methods, one must sometimes take measures to the extreme in which to change the minds of these indignant obstacles to progress. Because these mental miscreants are apt to resist and to create a most unseemly display of obstinance and ignorant belligerence, it is best to quickly subdue and restrain them prior to sending them upon the transcendental journey into their subconscious. 

While they are in the throes of their scathing diatribe against the advances of science and humanity, discretely apply a generous dose of an immobilizing tonic to one’s kerchief. Then offer them, for the sake of their vanity, to wipe the frothing spittle from their mouths. Unable to resist, due to their pride of self and narcissistic tendencies, they will unwittingly allow themselves to be immobilized and hitherto restrained.

For the most effective results strapping the patient by all limbs and extremities to a stout chair as to render them completely incapacitated is recommended. Upon awakening the patient will undoubtedly be enraged and will struggle to escape the confines of their intended well-being. This is not an optimal state for the compliance required of hypnosis, and it is advised to keep the patient awake for as many hours as it takes for them to accept their much needed treatment.