USE PANTOMIME TO FEIGN INTEREST AMONG DULLARDS

When in the company of dullards who insist upon continuing to blather on with no concern or interest in your person, stature, engagements or time it is encouraged to perform the fine art of pantomime to create the illusion of attentive listening. This simple technique may also prove to be effective when being reprimanded by a judge, spouse, or employer who’s favorable opinion is more important than your interest in their empassioned soliloquy. 

EVADING CURFEWS & TRUANT OFFICERS

Few things can put a damper on a soirée more quickly or severely than the unwelcome entrance of an uninvited officer of the law, parent, priest, spouse, or god forbid, the truant officer of the local university or boarding school. When wishing to carouse with friends or strangers well into the wee hours of the night it is recommended to travel through back alleys whenever possible, preferably alone, as large groups draw attention, and to never tell anyone outside of the company of your fellow rabble-rousers where you intend to go, who intend to be with, or when you intend to return. It is also advised to avoid the company of overly cautious companions who lack the courage to engage in activities that fall outside the staid boundaries of puritan society. Their constant wining and persistent fear of punitive action will not only taint the desired atmosphere of your gathering but will also draw unwanted attention to your clandestine revelry. 

THE ETHICS OF CLANDESTINE PHOTOGRAPHY

As the technology of photography is relatively new, there is much discussion around the ethics of its use and those of its practitioners. In general it is considered to be in very poor taste to capture the likeness of an individual without their consent or knowledge. Many believe that the act itself robs them of a part of their soul and virtue that can never again be restored, but even more are fervent believers in privacy and do not wish for there to be evidence of their person in the possession of another. Therefore, should one insist upon taking photographs without the consent of the person of interest they should expect upon the discovery of their actions a swift and justifiably violent response to their rudeness which will most likely result in body harm and the destruction of their photographic equipment. 

THE MALADY OF BEARS

It is no secret that the rapid expansion of the west has displaced a large population of bears from their natural habitat and forced them to assimilate to a new reality of civilization. Once feared as the wild killer of men we now find them often wandering bewildered into our operas, drawing rooms, and restaurants, perhaps in search of once plentiful berries and salmon. Upon resisting the aristocratic temptation to immediately dispatch the beast and fashion its carcass into either a majestic stuffed display of virility or a handsome fireside rug, one may discover that actually bears can be quite charming, and with some effort become rather fine domestic companions or even accomplished partners in the waltz. With recent years evidencing far more pleasant surprises than maullings, it is our moral duty not to savage these lonely creatures into oblivion, but instead extend our hand in friendship and hitherto offer them the grand opportunity to join our noble and elevated society as citizens!

ON SOLVING DISPUTES

History has proven that when it comes to disputes of honor, the only truly reliable option for resolution is mortal combat with bare-knuckle fisticuffs. No other method so thoroughly quells any dispute more convincingly, or entertainingly, than bloodied teeth and bruised egos. It is advised upon even the slightest insult to ruthlessly savage the offending party to immediately establish dominance and righteousness. Not only will they henceforth follow your every command, but they will thank you for correcting the course of their deviance from the proper course of respect and decorum.

IT IS ILL-ADVISED TO INDULGE IN ONE’S OWN REPOSITORY

It is a signature of quality to carry on one’s person a vestibule of the fashionable and invigorating coca-powder. Easily mixed with wine or other spirits its beneficial effects are immediate and lasting, renewing and stimulating one’s vital forces. It is ironic then that the very same qualities that so completely invigorate the Spirit are the same that can inspire the Gentry to over-indulge and foolishly consume one’s entire supply! Avoid the embarrassment of being discovered without, and politely partake in the supply of others as frequently as possible, saving one’s own reserve to be enjoyed privately!

THE EVOLVING CODE OF HANDKERCHIEF FLIRTATIONS

“The handkerchief! The Handkerchief!” Ejaculated the jealous dandy, as he killed his loving Desdemona because she failed to respond to his coded flirtation. Fans and flowers have each their language, and why not handkerchiefs? No reason having been discovered, it has transpired that handkerchief flirtations are rapidly coming into fashion. As yet the “code of signals” is confined to a select few, but we do not intend that they shall enjoy the monopoly any longer, and have accordingly published the key of understanding here. It may be used at the opera, theatre, balls, and such places, but never in church; and we doubt that restriction will be observed, and are quite delighted that it won’t.

Drawing across the lips … Desirous of an acquaintance.

Drawing across the eyes … You are revolting.

Taking it by the centre … You are too willing.

Dropping … We will be enemies.

Twirling in both hands … I wish to strangle you, gently.

Drawing it across the cheek … I love you.

Drawing it through the hands … I hate you.

Letting it rest on the right cheek ... Yes.

Letting it rest on the left cheek … No.

Twirling it in the right hand … I wish to murder you.

Twirling it in the right hand … I love another.

Folding it … I wish to challenge you to a duel.

Drawing it across the forehead … We are watched.

Over the shoulder … Follow me to the water closet.

Opposite corners in both hands … Wait for me in the alley.

Placing it on the right ear … I am not wearing petticoats.

Letting it remain on the eyes … You are cruel.

Winding around the forefinger … I am going to savage you.

Winding it around the third finger … I am married.

Putting it in the pocket … You are dead to me.

ON PHYSICKAL BEAUTY

The Bible tells us that the L--d our God put us each here for a reason. To drink and carouse to excess, to defile the orifices of every willing or unwilling creature, and to spare no expense to indulge our greatest virtue, Vanity. It is therefore every Person-of-quality’s solemn purpose to see that their outward physickal appearance both honors and compliments our Creator at all times.

Not all members of Society are equally gifted in this area, of course, so the homely must work extra hard not only to please their husbands, wives and clergymen, but also to avoid providing Him with uncomfortable reminders of His mistakes. Fortunately, this modern age provides many a wonder to aid in this pursuit, from the latest cosmetic beauty paints to complete facial substitutions

We encourage all members of the Gentry to use these tools to maximize their physickal beauty, thus insuring their entry into Heaven!

SUBDUING THE INSANE

Without the benefit of state run asylums many have complained of the overrunning of our streets with the rambling erratic behavior of the insane. While many believe that these unfortunate souls bring color to our neighborhoods and remind us of our duty as citizens to care for our fellow man, still others are concerned for the safety of their persons and property. While we here at Hazlewood are firm believers in the ethos of “live and let live,” there are times in which an insane person is in fact acting insane and must be subdued in the interest of preventing harm to themselves or others. In the case of this unusual event it is recommended to have one member of your party distract the insane person from across the room with either loud shouts or tantalizing valuables while another approaches the insane person from behind. They may then proceed to wrestle them to the ground in a bear-like embrace or anesthetize them with a kerchief that has been saturated with an immobilizing tonic. Upon taking command of the situation the use of a straight jacket is advised to ensure that there is no escape and that the festivities can continue without any further incident.